50 pages • 1 hour read •
Atlas of the Heart: Mapping Meaningful Connection and the Language of Human Experience
A modern alternative to SparkNotes and CliffsNotes, SuperSummary offers high-quality Study Guides with detailed chapter summaries and analysis of major themes, characters, and more.
Chapters 7-8Chapter Summaries & Analyses
Chapter 7 Summary: “Places We Go With Others”
Brown begins this chapter by examining the relationship between compassion, which she believes is daily practice, and empathy, which is a tool that allows for compassion. Compassion is defined as “the daily practice of recognizing and accepting our shared humanity so that we treat ourselves and others with loving-kindness, and we take action in the face of suffering” (118). This doesn’t mean we have experienced someone’s struggle, but we can sit with them and understand their experience. This is different from pity, which Brown calls the “near enemy” of compassion. This means that it looks so similar to compassion that it might be deceiving. Pity includes believing the other is inferior, being self-centered in our reaction, or not sharing in their experience (120).
Empathy is “a tool of compassion” (120) which Brown defines as an “emotional skill set that allows us to experience what someone is experiencing” (120). Brown cites research that shows the role empathy plays in practical and ethical decision making, relationships, and societal connection. While people often define empathy as taking on the feelings of someone else, Brown believes that empathy isn’t having someone’s experience or feelings but learning “how to listen to the story you tell about what it’s like in your shoes and believe you even when it doesn’t match my experiences” (123). Brown believes that if we are not willing to “be present to someone’s pain” (122), we are not using empathy. Brown includes a guide of “empathy misses,” which outlines eight ways we fail to be empathetic: sympathy, judgment, disappointment, discharging discomfort with blame (scolding someone), minimizing or avoiding the pain, comparing the pain with others’ experiences, reinforcing power systems, or problem-solving instead of listening (124-25).
Just as pity is a “near enemy” of compassion, Brown believes that sympathy is a near enemy of empathy. Sympathy is not connecting with someone in their pain but observing and remaining disconnected. Brown states that sympathy and pity are similar because they are both the emotions of “we feel bad for you. From way over here” (124). The reason Brown wants to remind us that empathy doesn’t require sharing someone’s identical experience is that replacing sympathy and pity for empathy and compassion better facilitates connection with each other and avoids compassion fatigue, which is when we feel so overwhelmed by others’ experiences that we experience burnout.
While boundaries are not an emotion, they are an important experience for compassion and empathy. Brown says, “We can’t connect with someone unless we’re clear about where we end, and they begin” (128). Being enmeshed with someone is different from having compassion or empathy for them.
Brown closes by urging us not to see empathy as a limited resource. Especially during the COVID pandemic, it is tempting to assess and “rank” our pain. Brown uses examples like “My husband died, and that grief is worse than your grief over missing your daughter’s wedding” (131). While perspective is important, Brown believes that “each time we honor our struggle and the struggles of others by responding with empathy and compassion, the healing that results affects all of us” (131).
Chapter 8 Summary: “Places We Go When We Fall Short”
There are different feelings we experience when we fall short. One common emotion Brown has spent much of her career studying is shame.
While the experience of shame (bankruptcy, finding out about a spouse’s infidelity, flunking out of school, etc.) can vary, at its core it is “the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love, belonging, and connection” (137). While shame is something we all experience, it is difficult to share, and it increases when kept hidden. Brown firmly believes that shame can spread “into every corner and crevice of our lives” (137). To heal from shame, we must practice self-compassion and participate in empathy by sharing our stories with others. Brown shares the elements of self-compassion as well as the elements of shame resistance.
While phrases like “have you no shame?” are common in our society, Brown firmly believes that shame is different from accountability for our actions. In fact, Brown believes that shame is “more likely to drive destructive […] behavior than it is to heal it” (140).
Another way we respond to falling short is with perfectionism. While excellence and self-improvement are good things, perfectionism is when we focus on our image and appearance. Brown warns that perfectionism is addictive—we can get caught in a cycle of believing that as long as we are perfect, we can avoid shame or pain. Instead of helping us improve, perfectionism is a path to “depression, anxiety, addiction, and life paralysis” (146).
While Brown believes shame is a negative social emotion, guilt is different. Shame is when we feel there is something wrong with us while guilt is recognizing “having done something wrong” (146) and wanting to make it right. While guilt is uncomfortable, it can lead to self-improvement and social change.
Humiliation is similar to change because it creates a feeling of being “fundamentally flawed” (147). Humiliation is similarly painful but happens when we feel “that we’ve been unjustly degraded, ridiculed, or put down, and that our identity has been demeaned or devalued” (147). In other words, we feel irresponsible for the painful evaluation from others. While Brown used to think humiliation was less dangerous than shame, research linking humiliation to likelihood of violence and deep social change has caused her to recognize how serious humiliation is.
Lastly, Brown defines embarrassment, a “fleeting feeling of self-conscious discomfort” (149). While embarrassment isn’t comfortable, it is usually brief and can be forgotten quickly.
Chapters 7-8 Analysis
In Chapters 7 and 8, Brown explores a range of emotions with profound implications for individual and societal growth. Throughout Atlas of the Heart, Brown emphasizes the importance of emotional granularity. In Chapter 7, “Where We Go With Others,” she introduces the idea of “near enemies,” a Buddhist term that describes how an experience can be so similar to another that it can disguise itself and undermine another experience. Emotional granularity allows us to keep from “falling for” near enemies that hinder self-understanding and connection with others. For example, Brown believes compassion and pity are near enemies of each other. While they seem similar, compassion is the “daily practice of recognizing our shared humanity so that we treat ourselves and others with loving-kindness” (118); pity is different. With pity, instead of seeing what is shared, we feel the other person is inferior and is emotionally distant. Brown has found this differentiation is backed up by research showing pity is isolating.
Similarly, in Chapter 8 Brown differentiates between shame and guilt. When we feel guilt, we feel we have done something wrong, whereas shame makes us feel that we are wrong ourselves. This small nuance makes a world of difference. While shame makes us feel debilitated, Brown believes with guilt we see a way to make things right, “like apologizing or changing a behavior” (147). While shame drives us inward, guilt helps us focus on others and how to restore connection when it is breached.
Brown is clear throughout Atlas of the Heart that learning about emotions is not just interesting but has a real impact on our lives. By understanding emotional granularity and near enemies, Brown believes we can have better self-understanding, which is a key part of connectedness. By being able to discern the differences between shame, guilt, embarrassment, and humiliation, we can better understand our own experience and stop the same cycles that leave us isolated, numbed, etc. For example, Brown shows how understanding the difference between perfectionism and mastery can change our individual perspectives: “Understanding the difference between healthy striving and perfectionism is critical to laying down the shield and picking up your life” (144). Knowing about emotions doesn’t just help us see where we are, it helps us see where we can be. Just as Brown previously explained how hope can be cultivated with specific practices, she explores the elements of “shame resilience.”
The second part of human connection that Brown explores is our relationship with others. In this section, Brown explains the importance of boundaries. Without boundaries, the emotions of ourselves and others become blurry. Whereas empathy allows us to relate to others, taking on their emotions entirely is proven to result in compassion fatigue. Boundaries also differentiate between what is and isn’t okay. For example, “It’s okay to disagree with me, but it’s not okay to ridicule my ideas and beliefs” (130). Brown firmly believes the vocabulary and empathy developed by exploring emotions allows us to have these conversations and better connect with each other.
Brown believes the larger cultural implications of emotions research are also clear. For example, in Chapter 7 she explains how a study that “examined the media profiles of ten prominent school shooters” (148) found that every single one of the ten shooters had been harassed, bullied, and left feeling humiliated in their groups. This study was the catalyst for several other pieces of research that have tied together feelings of humiliation and violence. Similarly, Brown cites research that shame is actually correlated with narcissism. While our culture tries to use shame and humiliation to make people act “better,” Brown believes that neither is an effective tool. She writes, “Shame isn’t the cure, it’s the cause” (140). This has implications for social justice work, education, etc.
Unlock all 50 pages of this Study Guide
Plus, gain access to 9,100+ more expert-written Study Guides.
Including features:
Related Titles
By Brené Brown
Featured Collections
Books About Leadership
View Collection
Guilt
View Collection
Health & Medicine
View Collection
Mental Illness
View Collection
New York Times Best Sellers
View Collection
Pride & Shame
View Collection
Psychology
View Collection
Religion & Spirituality
View Collection
Self-Help Books
View Collection
Sociology
View Collection