Bad Mormon

As their romance progressed, Gay grew increasingly sexually frustrated, desperate to consummate her relationship with Billy. When she asked him directly to have sex with her, he insisted that they wait until marriage, promising that after marriage they’d have lots of sex. His response led Gay to believe that marrying him would help her grow spiritually. Billy proposed in March 2000, just three and a half months after they started dating. Although she felt some deep resistance and wished someone would urge her to wait, Gay said yes, believing that marriage was a lifeboat she needed in order to survive. The couple were married in a temple ceremony in which Gay vowed to submit to Billy for all eternity.

After the wedding, Billy’s aunt gave her a book that offered tangible steps women could take to satisfy their husbands sexually. Gay felt astonished that, overnight, her community’s focus on her sex life turned from protecting her virginity to nurturing her husband’s sexual appetites. Gay describes the wedding night and the first nights of the honeymoon as satisfying sexually and emotionally. However, she quickly realized that she and her new husband had little in common. Desperate for something to do, they decided to see the 2000 film, Scary Movie. Billy was horrified by the sexual humor and stormed out to demand a refund, embarrassing Gay. After the honeymoon, Billy and Gay attended marital counseling. The counselor encouraged them to remain committed to marriage.

As she settled into her new life, Gay vowed to forget her honeymoon disappointments. She poured herself into being the perfect wife, redecorating their new home in an effort to make their lives beautiful. She felt so relieved at being married and establishing a home that she decided it didn’t really matter that she hated her husband. However, his obvious dissatisfaction with being forced to provide for and preside over a family upset her. Despite his family’s wealth, Billy insisted that the family fly the then-budget airline Southwest when they traveled. When Gay bought and framed a single stock of Southwest as a sign of her support for her husband’s decision, Billy ridiculed the gift in front of her family, suggesting she was financially ignorant.

Gay believed that having a baby would resolve her disappointments about married life. Given the Mormon church’s emphasis on motherhood and childrearing as a woman’s most important vocations, Gay believed that being a mother was her destiny. She was grateful for the life she had built with Billy, and the fact that she was no longer alone. She believed that as long as she stayed beautiful and faithful, she could remain married forever—something she felt was worth being unhappy in her marriage. When she became pregnant, Gay painstakingly crafted her daughter’s bedding and clothing. The birth of her daughter Ashley eclipsed all the bad feelings she had towards her husband, and she felt as if she truly had everything she could ask for.

Although she had a successful career and life before her marriage, Gay found that she was expected to put aside her ambitions in order to support her husband’s goals. As their marriage progressed, Gay worried that her goals did not align with Billy’s. She announced her second pregnancy at Ashley’s second birthday party, and another daughter was born nine months after that. As Gay poured herself into being the perfect Mormon wife and mother, Billy became increasingly withdrawn, overwhelmed by the pressure of providing for his growing family despite his family wealth. In an attempt to flex her creativity, Gay began selling doctored photos of Mormon temples. Billy helped her to monetize the business, but when he made a bad business deal, she felt she couldn’t intervene or question his decisions. Ultimately, the business failed.

Ten years into their marriage, Gay and Billy were living in Utah struggling in their relationship. Gay was asked to be the president of her congregation’s Relief Society, an important women’s organization of the Mormon church. As President, Gay was responsible for organizing the spiritual education and social life for women in her congregation. Gay believed that God had chosen her for the role so that she would stop focusing on her personal life, and poured herself into supporting others. She expected that her husband would be proud and support her efforts, but he withdrew even more. Reflecting, Gay believes that it was foolish of her to believe working for the church would save her marriage as, in her view, ambition is not celebrated in Mormon women.

Despite the fact that her marriage was clearly failing, Gay believed that if she kept trying to be the perfect wife and mother her efforts would be rewarded. When her oldest daughter Ashley turned eight, Gay planned a lavish celebration for her baptism, which takes place at age eight in the Mormon church. She designed and sewed an elaborate dress for the baptism and planned an expensive all-white party for their friends and family. Billy considered the party to be excessive, and exercised his authority by insisting that they change the time to accommodate his family. When Gay pushed back, Billy threatened to move out and she relented. At the ceremony, Gay realized that she was choosing a life for her daughter that might end in an similarly unhappy marriage. The couple remained together for another month before Billy moved out.