How to Know a Person: The Art of Seeing Others Deeply and Being Deeply Seen

Brooks emphasizes that good conversations are co-created, not performed. He encourages replacing debate with curiosity and judgment with inquiry. Central to his approach is the “Midwife Model,” in which the listener helps the speaker discover truths within themselves through open-ended questions and respectful silence. He also advocates a practice he calls “looping,” where the listener paraphrases the speaker’s points to confirm understanding. This advice has practical applications across a range of fields. In conflict resolution, this technique aligns with restorative justice models that prioritize listening over defending. Coaches, therapists, and teachers can apply these strategies to facilitate growth-oriented dialogue. Even in casual settings, shifting from “What do you do?” to “What’s something you’ve been thinking about lately?” can transform a shallow exchange into a moment of recognition. Conversation, in Brooks’s view, is not just a method of communication but a mode of ethical engagement.

Brooks challenges traditional models of character formation rooted in self-mastery and achievement, instead proposing a relational ethic where moral development is forged through accompaniment—walking alongside others in their suffering, uncertainty, or transformation. Referencing Simone Weil’s concept of “negative effort,” he argues that presence without agenda is often more powerful than action. This approach is particularly resonant in mental health contexts, as illustrated by Brooks’s reflections on supporting a friend through depression. In practice, accompaniment could mean sitting silently with someone in grief, checking in on a struggling colleague without trying to solve their problems, or practicing consistent, nonjudgmental presence in long-term care roles. By framing character not as a solitary pursuit but as a communal and emotional skill, Brooks redefines maturity as the capacity to endure with others.

Brooks posits that personal storytelling is essential for self-understanding and for deepening relationships. He argues that contemporary society suffers from a glut of analytical, opinion-driven discourse, and as an alternative, he advocates narrative conversations that explore how people came to be who they are. He argues that life stories—when shared and heard—provide coherence, validation, and connection. Techniques like asking “What crossroads are you at?” or “How were you shaped by your struggles?” encourage deeper exchanges and foster trust. The book also emphasizes the therapeutic potential of expressive writing, citing studies that link the act of storytelling to improved mental and physical health. These observations can be applied in both organizational and personal contexts. In settings such as support groups, classrooms, spiritual counseling, or team-building retreats, facilitating story-sharing can reduce isolation and build community. Brooks’s point is not only that stories connect us, but that the act of listening to them is itself a moral practice that affirms the teller’s humanity.

Brooks argues that truly knowing someone requires understanding the cultural, historical, and familial legacies they carry. Using examples from his own Jewish upbringing and from the lives of well-known figures like Their Eyes Were Watching God author Zora Neale Hurston, he explains how individuals are embedded in traditions that influence their values, expectations, and behavior. He cites research on the history of agriculture to illustrate how deeply embedded these patterns can be. Practically, this means being attentive not just to personal narratives but to the cultural scripts that inform them. In cross-cultural relationships, educators, clinicians, and managers can benefit from approaching conversations with humility and openness to cultural complexity. This framework also supports more inclusive practices in fields like HR, community organizing, or healthcare, where understanding background and identity context can improve engagement and outcomes.